Live and Learn

No one ever enters a relationship expecting it to fail (except for people who sign prenuptial agreements -- which I completely disagree with...). They meet someone special and they get butterflies. They start thinking about the future and the white picket fence and yaddah yaddah yaddah...But the fact is, sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Of course we always have the highest expectations and hopes for every relationship we're in, but sometimes what's more important than the relationship lasting is what we've LEARNED from its failure. This gives us the opportunity to do it better the next time!

I once had a girlfriend who, after making or realizing a mistake would say, "Welp, let's just put that in our little experience jar!" It was adorable. But she was completely right, everything is a learning experience, and we need to use what we've learned to make better decisions for our future.

(Yeahh, Whatchu know bout' those MS Paint skills?)

I decided to make a little list of some of the things I've learned over the course of my dating history. At some point I expect this knowledge to aid in my quest for the perfect partner, however, even if it doesn't, maybe you can find a pearl of wisdom or two here to take along with you on your journey.

1. Making comments about the way other girls look makes your girlfriend feel bad.

2. Fat jokes are never, ever funny.

3. A girl's period is a completely valid excuse for her to act like a psychopath, and all reasonable transgressions are expected to be forgiven after it's over.

4. Insecurity is disgusting. Act like you're the S*** and your partner will agree.

5. If you catch her in a lie, it's not the first time she's lied...It's just the first time you caught her.

6. Bad sex will end a relationship; be vocal and get your partner on the same page, QUICK.

7. A pretty face only lasts until she gives it up, then we need something to talk about.

8. Long distance never works.

9. Dating a girl with a kid sucks, for enough reasons to write an entire blog about.

10. Discuss deal breakers BEFORE you fall in love with someone.

11. If she cheated on/left another guy for you, expect history to repeat itself.

12. Don't expect the reciprocation of anything from a girl who thinks the world revolves around her.

13. If they can't take care of themselves, there's no way they can take care of you.

14. Facebook is a bragging platform; if your relationship isn't present anywhere on Facebook, it's either not important, not serious, or you're not proud of it.

15. The pain of a break up goes away.

Undoubtedly I've learned much more than can be delivered in a short list, but these were the ones that really seemed worthy of mention. I can only imagine how the list will grow after I get married or have children, although by that point...It's learn as you go. Marriage and/or children should be done with a LIFE-LONG commitment in mind.

Also, I've noticed that my blogs are becoming increasingly more personal, but hey, you write about what you know, right?

I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow.

-CleverAlias

I Can Be Your Superman

It's no secret that most men have an unhealthy obsession with Marvel comics, action flicks, or tales of war. It's not because we're giant nerds or macho men, it's because we have a burning desire to be SUPER HEROES!

Most of us are well aware that we can't be actual super heroes, but it doesn't mean we don't try to be them every day in our professions, or RELATIONSHIPS.

Think about it, a significant portion of your man's behavior revolves around protecting you. It's in his DNA. It's the reason he raised a 90 lb. pit bull and had an alarm system installed in the house. The reason he bought a gun. The reason he stands at the rim of the mosh-pit making sure you're behind him or sleeps closest to the bedroom door. The reason he kills his body in the gym or gave you a mace keychain as a birthday present and you were like, "WTF?"...you're his fragile butterfly, he needs you to be safe.

Stop thinking he's crazy when he tells you he wants to Hulk slam the boss at work who's making you feel bad about yourself or wants to actually execute the ex-husband who's making your life harder by not paying child support. Or when he tells you he's WAITING for someone to break into the wrong house or to DESTROY the douche that thinks he can cop a feel at the bar...

It sounds sorta violent, but we want you to feel like you've got the biggest toughest stud on the block. You're ours to protect. If we haven't made you feel that way, we've failed in our mission. We want you to come running to OUR house when the zombie apocalypse finally breaks out...

Even if you're not quite a fighter, you (men) should at least feel this way at heart or share with me this opinion. If you don't, you can stop wondering why you're reading this blog alone, at home, with tears of shame streaming down your pansy face...

When you're three minutes late home from work or out with your girlfriends and you receive a few too many phone calls or texts, it's not because he doesn't trust you or he's needy, it's because he wants you to make it home in one piece; he cares about you. So stop being pissed you found a protective guy who worries about you making it back home to him, he can't help it! (Fine, that statement isn't totally true for every guy. Some of them really just don't trust you, but that's another blog...)

A message to the boys : Be your woman's Care Bear.

("Hey you, how about a hug?")

You be tender, and if you can avoid it, you don't EVER show her what you're really capable of...Classy girls don't like hot headed show-offs...

A message to the girls: Try and understand our compulsory need to protect you.

(You won't like Wish Bear when he's angry...)

Sometimes we just can't help it. You might think you're a big girl and you can take care of yourself...but let us do our job; it makes us feel good. And if we're actin' a fool, look a little deeper...It might be well intentioned.

Mess with my girl, and I will Wolverine upper-cut your soul.

-CleverAlias

It's Not a Privilege, It's a Right!

Sex is always fun to talk about, so I wanted to write about a particular topic and cover some of the basics. Some of you seem ill informed about something, so let me school you...

You might think your body belongs to you...But ***NEWS FLASH*** IT DOESN'T!

Once you decide to enter a relationship with someone, you relinquish certain rights to your personal space -In all aspects - You share the bathroom, you make closet space, you get rid of those ugly ass throw pillows, and you give an ALL ACCESS pass to your goodies....

I nearly just poked an eye out with this thing...and you think, "I'm just not in the mood..." is gonna cut it? Are you crazy!?

Your body is my wonderland, and I literally have season pass tickets.

Now I know what you're thinking.."This is just the man's perspective.", "Just another horny guy being insensitive to the needs (or lack thereof) of women." ...... FALSE.

Think back to previous intimate sessions with your partner. There's a possibility that they weren't totally on board when you were ready to rock, and you didn't even know about it. Accommodations were probably made because your happiness is important to them. So on your honey moon when you kept climbing all over him, over and over and over and over... He might not have been super stoked, but he did it to make you happy!

Men aren't the machines that women are. I like the diesel engine / bottle rocket analogy here... Once warmed up, (most) women can go forever, with little down time between party sessions. Men are more like bottle rockets...

(Screeeeeeeeeeeech....POP!)

(How perfect is that phallic bottle rocket by the way?)

Get there fast with a big finish, then the party's over! Why do you think male brothels are such a terrible idea?...We're good for hours, or even a whole day before we feel like we might need to party again. Guys need it more often, but girls need it more in succession, and that's where we make the compromise. Unless physically unable to perform, we probably did what we could to make you happy.

There's a lot a man can put up with from a woman, he'll let you talk his ears off about the girls at work or how you're planning to revamp your entire wardrobe. He'll let you nag him till you're blue in the face. He'll let you capriciously spend his money. He'll fend for himself in the kitchen when you tell him you're not cooking tonight, but be the least bit stingy in the bedroom, and I can PROMISE it's not going to go over well. You're truly spinning the roulette wheel about how he's going to deal with it...

The train is coming...You just have to decide if you're going for the ride, or the secretary that's been eyeing him for the last 6 months is going to take your ticket.

Without a doubt, there's always someone else in line who's drooling for your spot, on both sides. So protect your investment! It's sad, but probably the biggest reason men leave or cheat is that they aren't happy in the bedroom; It's your job to remind them why your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

When he comes a' knockin', give him something to brag about. And If you don't feel like it, suck it up...

Metaphorically AND literally...Hah!

-CleverAlias

Learn How To Fight!

When you're in a relationship with someone, fighting is inevitable. It doesn't matter how hard you try and avoid it, the closer you get to someone, the more there is to fight about...Sorta crappy.

Each person brings their own fighting style into the ring of romance, making the dating game that much more labyrinthine. Let's have a look at our contenders!

The Clam - The clam does just that, clams up! A disagreeable topic presents itself, and an instant fog of awkwardness and un-comfort looms into the room. The clam closes its doors for business and completely shuts down. The conversation is over because they said it is, and you get the silent treatment until they decide they want to open back up and discuss it.

The Scientist - The Scientist needs to be right, no matter the cost. He has no qualms with sharing his opinion, and gets a high from shoving his rightness in your face when it's all said and done. He will literally orbit the solar system interviewing alien life forms to obtain credibility for the point he's trying to prove. Also, try convincing him he's wrong, you'll have quite the battle on your hands. I once heard that you can be right, or you can be happy…the scientist will take his chances with the happy part.

The Hulk - Yup, just what you pictured. RAWWEER! The hulk rages into action at the sign of trouble. He breaks, smashes, and destroys all in his warpath. He says the meanest things he can think of to cut you to the core, even if he doesn't mean them. He punches holes in the wall, throws and breaks things, and smells nothing but blood until he's cooled off. The hulk can be pretty dangerous, and is the most likely of all our contenders to exhibit physical aggression...proceed with caution around a hulkster!

The Volcano - Remember how you left your socks on the floor three weeks ago, then again last Monday, then again tonight? She does…and now it's F&%$'N ON! -- This fight style is one of the most unfair for the person on the other side of the argument, because they're completely blind sided by weeks of complaints that they weren't even aware of...If you notice this fight style, encourage your partner to try and discuss issues with you when they first present themselves, instead of waiting to discuss them while they're holding the sheers with which they plan to remove your head.

The Victim - The Victim is an expert counter-striker. You address her with a concern that you might have, and she flips the script and convinces you it's YOUR fault!

Him: "Honey, I'm a little concerned about the amount of money you spent on that blender..."

Her: "Really? I'm concerned with this dump that you keep me in..

(*cue the tears and the voice that gets higher pitched as the sentence progresses*)

...You always promised we'd have nice things..."

Him: "I love the blender babe, good pick."

The Avenger - This is probably less common, but DOES happen. The Avenger makes secret plots to ruin your life or get what they feel is deserved revenge. Maybe you pee on the toilet seat and never wipe it up, so they gladly clean up after you, with your toothbrush. The good part about The Avenger is that they'll probably never confront you with anything, and you'll think the relationship is going swimmingly, the bad part is that they're making themselves feel better behind your back.

The Pacifist - The Pacifist will always avoid a fight all together. He will admit instant defeat even when he's right, just to avoid making waves. You show your teeth, and he shows you his belly so fast it makes your head spin. While not leaving a room for a ton of pride, sometimes The Pacifist finds himself in the happiest of relationships.

Knowing which fighting style your partner is bringin' to the battle is one step closer to conflict resolution and sunny skies. Also, some of these fighting styles complement one another, and make for smoother sailing in the stormy parts of a relationship.

A hulk and a pacifist could probably grow old together, cause he flips over the second she turns green. But put two hulks in the ring and see if their argument doesn't end up on the next episode of Cops. Or try and get The Scientist and The Clam to work out their issues, he just broke out his encyclopedia to make his point, and she didn't hear a word he said over the ear plugs she just popped in...UGHHH!

No two people are ever going to agree on everything, especially those who share a certain level of attachment, and ESPECIALLY a man and a woman. We just see the world through different lenses. It's part of what makes it all beautiful, we NEED each other.

We all just need to

LEARN TO APOLOGIZE!

Both sides almost always have something to be sorry about, a fight takes two people.…And even if you can't think of one thing you did wrong or were wrong about (Scientists), you better make something up quick and apologize right-on back. The chance is high that you weren't 100% right about the situation, so swallow your pride and say you're sorry too -

So that this kinda fight…

Can turn into this kinda fight...

(That's me on the left...)

Hope you brought your mouth pieces.

-CleverAlias

You Don't Need Any More Friends!

This is a topic that has sort of already been covered by this blog, but I'd like to expound a bit. If you're in a relationship, or have a significant other.....

Guess what?

YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE FRIENDS!

(of the opposite sex anyway...)

Men and women are never just friends, one is ALWAYS trying to jump the other's bones. Whether that's out in the open or not, it's what's going on...So when out of nowhere you're getting texts from a new "friend", or have a new "friend" on Facebook, it sort of makes you untrustworthy and suspicious. There's no reason you need to be new "friends" with that guy or girl, because one of you has shameful intentions. Every...EVERY...time.

Nine times out of ten, when the relationship is over…Their new "FRIEND" is their new RELATIONSHIP (or booty call).Why the hell are you giving out your phone number anyway? Are you not happy?...Leave then, don't cheat.

(Man, I'm so glad we're friends...)

Prepping for your next relationship while you're still in this one is just as bad as cheating...so stop kidding yourself.

Your partner is probably great, he or she doesn't want to be the type to tell you who you can and can't be friends with...but you should also do your part to respect them, even when they say it doesn't bother them, because it secretly does - And if it doesn't, you might want to consider how much they really care about losing you. We'll cover that in a future blog.

Don't ever do ANYTHING that makes them question their trust in you. Trust (and LOVE) is literally all you need. With these two things, you and your partner can over come any trial, tackle any obstacle, stay afloat when the goin' gets rough... If you can't trust them, the relationship has an expiration date. Period.

You can't ever stop anyone from cheating. People are gonna do what they're gonna do whether or not you monitor their text messages or stand over them while they Facebook, but feeling like crap all the time is never fun. Choose someone who's going to respect you as much as you respect them.

Get a dog if you want a friend...Or make sure they don't have a penis.

- CleverAlias

Co-ping Is Not A City In China

One minute things are going fine, then BAM.... you get the boot. Being broken up with suuuuucks. You probably should have seen it coming, and even if you did, it hurts just the same when it's really over. They might tell you they're sad too, and they probably are, but it's ALWAYS worse for the person who got the can...Always.

As a guy whose been broken up with a lot... (I should probably examine that for some consistencies...) I've developed quite a list of great strategies to start to feel better and cope with my loss...Maybe they can help you too!

Exercise - This is a personal favorite. I'm never in better shape than when I'm completey heart broken. There's nothing like a heart shattering breakup to put you back in the best shape of your life. Not only is it a physiological certainty that cardiovascular excercise will release endorphins that will make you feel good, but it also ups your stock for all the new tail you're chasing. Which leads us to our next strategy...

Be a total whore - Ok, not a TOTAL whore... Always pregnancies and STDs to worry about, but start planting those seeds, people! Ever hear that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? Every popular saying has its place in the circle of life. Just keep your dirt on the DL, and you never know, one of those seeds could grow into your next plant!

Occupy your mind - I sort of wanted to avoid this as a category, since technically you could fit everything here.. But this includes books, video games, your dog, an instrument, television, a vacation, a new hobby, anything that takes your mind off the one you've lost. Drown yourself in your work, or school studies. There's not a semester that's gone by where I've been heart broken that hasn't been followed by straight A's.

Reconnect - Reconnecting with friends is a great way to start feeling better quickly. It occupies your mind, and refills all of the time you used to spend with your significant other. When you start dating someone, you start spending an inordinate amount of time with them- to the point where you almost can't remember what you used to do before they were in your life... You used to have friends dummy! Good friends will understand why they got ditched in the first place, and will be there to pick up the pieces when you need them.

Service - A great way to forget about your own problems is to worry about someone elses. Volunteer at the Red Cross or an animal shelter... You're worried about your ex? This dude's HOUSE just burned down!

Cut all ties - This is usually where everyone fails miserably. They never completely let go, or let the breaking up process last for MONTHS! Just cut the chord. Every time you respond to a text, read an email, or answer a call, the wound opens back up. Hope re-enters, you get back together for five minutes then break up again... Just end it! The sooner you're done for good, the sooner you can start feeling better. And if you're the breaker-upper, stop being selfish and let them get better... you left them, remember?

("Hello? Yep, still miss you so bad I want to die....Thanks for checking.")

Stop worrying about what they're doing, or leaving your phone unattended for hours in hopes that you'll return to a text from them. Stop checking their Facebook. Stop wishing they would call, and stop wasting your time thinking about them...You're not doing yourself any favors. It's not like they're not sitting around moping about you...They're probably out on a date with someone else right now.

Ceremonies - Some might think this is immature, but closure is effective. Delete their phone number if you have to, remove them from journal entries, burn pictures, destroy old gifts, pee on the shirt they left at your house... Whatever ceremonial function you think is going to help you feel better, probably will!

Unfortunately, sometimes people look in the wrong places for happiness. Always avoid drugs, alcohol, Sara Mclachlan, and sharp objects. There are definitely healthy ways to deal with your issues.

And remember, even if you don't employ any of these tactics, the most effective of all will occur naturally... Time.

Time always makes everything better. Just gotta hang in there.

Cope <3

-Clever Alias

The One

This is your chance. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you walk away and go back to your life of roguish and destructive relationship tendencies. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and find out just how far down the rabbit hole this relationship goes.

Because that's what meeting her is like, it's like taking the red pill and waking up from a nightmare. A nightmare of uncertainty, tension, drama, heart ache, and terrible physical chemistry.

She's, "The One".

"The One" makes you feel secure. Not only does she stroke your ever important and regrettably large ego, she also makes sure you know exactly how she feels about you. There aren't any games - You aren't on edge worrying about how she feels, because you can already tell how she feels....and she tells you.

"The One" makes you forget ALL about previous heartbreak, because when you're with her, nothing else matters. She's great - you couldn't ask for, or need anything else. Her company alone is enough to forget that other women even exist.

"The One" has the power to drown out any other options you might have in your life. Other girls you might have liked, or liked you, totally pale in comparison. They slowly become background noise - until you turn them off completely so that you can give your full attention where it starts to matter the most.

"The One" seems perfect in almost every way. Your infatuation blinds you to any and all of their flaws...Nothing they could tell you about their past would make you judge them or hold them in a negative light. You completely accept them for who they are, or want to be.

"The One" makes you consider marriage or a serious relationship, in spite of your vows to live a fast life full of solitude, women, video games, and your dog. You almost can't believe it when the thought of moving in together, or of what you might name your first child crosses your mind. WTF? Have I gone soft?! Yes....Yes, you have.

You don't play the stupid games you used to play with all of the other girls, because you actually care about this one's feelings. In fact, hurting this one would go against everything you stand for as a man. You're supposed to protect and care for women, especially this one if you're going to call her yours.

You jump to her immediate defense when you feel she's in harms way. You're in your right mind to snatch the phone out of her hands and tell the ex that keeps calling with an attitude that you'll gladly remove his tongue if he's not careful...

And even if you're a generally negative person, you don't ever show signs of distress or negativity around her. You want to be strong for her. She should feel like she's able to cast all of her burdens on you, without worry that you can't handle it with all of the other things you've got going on in your life. You want to always be her anchor. If something is wrong, you cry by yourself in the other room - If she can't lean on you, who can she lean on?

"The One", unfortunately, also possesses the extraordinary power to hurt you...It's just the risk you run when you think you've found someone special and you let them in...

I once heard that every pot has a lid. Go find the lid that makes you feel this way. Never settle.

Find "The One"

-Clever Alias

P.S. Obviously the male perspective here...The blog is written by a man, get over it.