Monday, November 21, 2011

There Is No Right Way!

We've all been broken up with at one point or another; it never feels good. But somewhere in the grieving process it seems like there's always some kind of complaint about how the person went about it, or about the time when it occurred. As if they have the perfect way that they'd like to broken up with, and if that person would have just complied this would have all been so much easier!

Guess what...? THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY!

It doesn't matter if it was via text, a phone call or in person. It doesn't matter if it's your birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, or a Thursday..You're going to label all variables aggravating circumstances so that you can be that much more mad at the person.

Consider the following examples to illustrate my point:

Scenario 1: It's a Wednesday night. You and your significant other just got into ANOTHER "nothing fight". He goes home pissed and thinks long and hard about the relationship. Thursday morning you get a text message, "I just don't think we're happy anymore...We've been through this so many times, I just think it'd be better if we took some time off and started dating other people. Sorry, I don't really wanna discuss it any further." You attempt to call and text message back, but you don't get any replies. It's over.

Scenario 2: Your boyfriend spends the day at work sweating what he knows he's going to come home and tell you. He calls you and tells you he's heading over, and asks if you want him to bring you anything to eat. You accept his offer as always. He brings you some dinner, and a small bundle of flowers from the grocery store. He has a disconcerted look on his face as he walks through the door. You ask him what's wrong, he doesn't respond. He sits you down. He grabs your hand and starts to tear up, "I'm just not happy any more, honey. I'm so sorry. I love you but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." (Full tears at this point)...(add in two hours of him trying to explain his feelings) "I want us to stay friends, ok?" "I have to go right now...I think we should take some time to get over it before we try and talk or hang out. I'll miss you." Then gives a big hug and leaves.

Scenario 3: It's Christmas Eve. You're in the middle of a nap when your boyfriend barges into your room and wakes you up. He hands you a video tape and tells you to come downstairs so that you can watch it together. He also grabs you your favorite soda for the pop in the movie. It's just a black screen for a moment, and you start to wonder what it is that he wanted you to watch so badly. Then it starts, it's a home video of him nailing your best friend. You start to cry, he starts to grin. Your throat swells up and you decide you need a drink. Your soda is full of cigarette ashes. He then proceeds to walk out door, and right before it shuts you hear him scream, "And you might wanna get tested!"... Followed by a hearty chuckle. You never hear from him again.

Now, you probably found yourself bending and twisting all the scenarios, disagreeing with actions or statements here and there... "Well, if he didn't do THAT...didn't say THIS...didn't WHATEVER...then it woulda been better.."

Are you starting to see my point? There IS no right way... Every scenario sucks because it's a crappy situation and you don't wanna be broken up with!

There's no right time, place, or's a suckfest all around.

Deal with it.
- CleverAlias

P.S. While there may not be a right way, I'm pretty sure there ARE wrong ways...Like scenario 3...don't do that, it's mean.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Top 5 Reasons to Date A NERD!

Yet another post aimed at the LADIES. I'm gonna cut right to the point:

STOP trying to date the guys who look like they just walked off of the cover of an Abercrombie magazine! Aside from the disgusting ego given to them by a visually driven society, they've got a plethora of other reasons why they don't have to treat you right. This is why we're gonna switch gears, take off our swimmer line tunnel vision, and go for the NERDS!

Yep, you heard me...

Now, we're not talkin' the guy who pops on the XBOX every now n' then and plays a crappy sport game. We're talking the REAL gamers; the ones who enter tournaments, join online guilds, and spend HOURS in front of their computer screens - desks laden with snacks and empty bottles of Coke....Those gamers.

Why do I lead you down this path of potential body odor and acne, you ask? Listen while I give you the top 5 reasons to date a nerdy gamer (In no particular order):

1. Inexpensive - If there's one thing that couples fight about, it's money; and gaming is one of the least expensive hobbies around! Currently, the most popular and expensive online video game is World of Warcraft. The monthly subscription caps at only $15 a month (Not to mention FREE online video games...) Compared to collecting cards, golfing, gambling, carpentry, repairing old cars, etc...Gaming is a STEAL. There should be plenty of money left over at the end of the month to wine you, dine you, and buy you all those little things that make you feel special.

2. Line of Sight - If your boyfriend is at home playing video games, he's NOT out sleeping with someone else! There will be no Tiger Woods, "golfing late" shenanigans - his hobby is right in front of you! All you have to do is walk into the den, he'll be the one punching his computer screen...

3. Availability - While I do not encourage or support bothering a gamer while he's in the middle of a quest, he IS available to help you if you need it. Other boyfriends can't exactly come home from the poker room to help you move the couch, but if this one is just on his computer, you can probably convince him to step away for a second to adhere to any gender biased request you give him.
Moreover, he doesn't have any real life friends! There will be no more ditching you for his homies - all of his friends live in other cities. You'll definitely find yourself in a hoes before bros situation.

4. Less Competition - A nerdy gamer status, without question, makes a guy less appealing to women; BUT, if you can be the first to take the plunge, there will for sure be less women you'll have to fight off of your man! Also, the nerdy guy has probably just had less partners in general; ie, less STDs, psycho exes, and illegitimate children to worry about...

5. Limited Options - Conversely, the nerd realizes that his options are limited. Once he's snagged a babe like you, he'll think twice before he messes things up. He'll treat you right, take care of you, protect you, and be endlessly caring. AND, even if he has a wandering eye, his chances of success are far below your typical stud - so no worries.

Now, I was discussing this prospect with a lady friend of mine. Her vision of the nerdy guy I was trying to paint was making her instantly reject my proposal; lice, a weight problem, and chair sores...

(The chick who took this picture wasn't listening...)

I'm not talking about the untouchables here! Come on...Everyone has to have SOME kind of standard. I'm talking your average guy, not too hot, not too cold, juuuuust right - like the porridge... Kinda like this...

(Rock on McDonalds, hot, turtle riding guy...)

Maybe you trade some abs and a movie star smile, but you get a guy who puts you first, spends time with you, and treats you well. Worth it, right?!

Actually, that wasn't a question - I'm telling you...Worth it.


Friday, August 5, 2011

Live and Learn

No one ever enters a relationship expecting it to fail (except for people who sign prenuptial agreements -- which I completely disagree with...). They meet someone special and they get butterflies. They start thinking about the future and the white picket fence and yaddah yaddah yaddah...But the fact is, sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Of course we always have the highest expectations and hopes for every relationship we're in, but sometimes what's more important than the relationship lasting is what we've LEARNED from its failure. This gives us the opportunity to do it better the next time!

I once had a girlfriend who, after making or realizing a mistake would say, "Welp, let's just put that in our little experience jar!" It was adorable. But she was completely right, everything is a learning experience, and we need to use what we've learned to make better decisions for our future.

(Yeahh, Whatchu know bout' those MS Paint skills?)

I decided to make a little list of some of the things I've learned over the course of my dating history. At some point I expect this knowledge to aid in my quest for the perfect partner, however, even if it doesn't, maybe you can find a pearl of wisdom or two here to take along with you on your journey.

1. Making comments about the way other girls look makes your girlfriend feel bad.

2. Fat jokes are never, ever funny.

3. A girl's period is a completely valid excuse for her to act like a psychopath, and all reasonable transgressions are expected to be forgiven after it's over.

4. Insecurity is disgusting. Act like you're the S*** and your partner will agree.

5. If you catch her in a lie, it's not the first time she's lied...It's just the first time you caught her.

6. Bad sex will end a relationship; be vocal and get your partner on the same page, QUICK.

7. A pretty face only lasts until she gives it up, then we need something to talk about.

8. Long distance never works.

9. Dating a girl with a kid sucks, for enough reasons to write an entire blog about.

10. Discuss deal breakers BEFORE you fall in love with someone.

11. If she cheated on/left another guy for you, expect history to repeat itself.

12. Don't expect the reciprocation of anything from a girl who thinks the world revolves around her.

13. If they can't take care of themselves, there's no way they can take care of you.

14. Facebook is a bragging platform; if your relationship isn't present anywhere on Facebook, it's either not important, not serious, or you're not proud of it.

15. The pain of a break up goes away.

Undoubtedly I've learned much more than can be delivered in a short list, but these were the ones that really seemed worthy of mention. I can only imagine how the list will grow after I get married or have children, although by that point...It's learn as you go. Marriage and/or children should be done with a LIFE-LONG commitment in mind.

Also, I've noticed that my blogs are becoming increasingly more personal, but hey, you write about what you know, right?

I wonder what I'll learn tomorrow.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Can Be Your Superman

It's no secret that most men have an unhealthy obsession with Marvel comics, action flicks, or tales of war. It's not because we're giant nerds or macho men, it's because we have a burning desire to be SUPER HEROES!

Most of us are well aware that we can't be actual super heroes, but it doesn't mean we don't try to be them every day in our professions, or RELATIONSHIPS.

Think about it, a significant portion of your man's behavior revolves around protecting you. It's in his DNA. It's the reason he raised a 90 lb. pit bull and had an alarm system installed in the house. The reason he bought a gun. The reason he stands at the rim of the mosh-pit making sure you're behind him or sleeps closest to the bedroom door. The reason he kills his body in the gym or gave you a mace keychain as a birthday present and you were like, "WTF?"'re his fragile butterfly, he needs you to be safe.

Stop thinking he's crazy when he tells you he wants to Hulk slam the boss at work who's making you feel bad about yourself or wants to actually execute the ex-husband who's making your life harder by not paying child support. Or when he tells you he's WAITING for someone to break into the wrong house or to DESTROY the douche that thinks he can cop a feel at the bar...

It sounds sorta violent, but we want you to feel like you've got the biggest toughest stud on the block. You're ours to protect. If we haven't made you feel that way, we've failed in our mission. We want you to come running to OUR house when the zombie apocalypse finally breaks out...

Even if you're not quite a fighter, you (men) should at least feel this way at heart or share with me this opinion. If you don't, you can stop wondering why you're reading this blog alone, at home, with tears of shame streaming down your pansy face...

When you're three minutes late home from work or out with your girlfriends and you receive a few too many phone calls or texts, it's not because he doesn't trust you or he's needy, it's because he wants you to make it home in one piece; he cares about you. So stop being pissed you found a protective guy who worries about you making it back home to him, he can't help it! (Fine, that statement isn't totally true for every guy. Some of them really just don't trust you, but that's another blog...)

A message to the boys : Be your woman's Care Bear.

("Hey you, how about a hug?")

You be tender, and if you can avoid it, you don't EVER show her what you're really capable of...Classy girls don't like hot headed show-offs...

A message to the girls: Try and understand our compulsory need to protect you.

(You won't like Wish Bear when he's angry...)

Sometimes we just can't help it. You might think you're a big girl and you can take care of yourself...but let us do our job; it makes us feel good. And if we're actin' a fool, look a little deeper...It might be well intentioned.

Mess with my girl, and I will Wolverine upper-cut your soul.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

It's Not a Privilege, It's a Right!

Sex is always fun to talk about, so I wanted to write about a particular topic and cover some of the basics. Some of you seem ill informed about something, so let me school you...

You might think your body belongs to you...But ***NEWS FLASH*** IT DOESN'T!

Once you decide to enter a relationship with someone, you relinquish certain rights to your personal space -In all aspects - You share the bathroom, you make closet space, you get rid of those ugly ass throw pillows, and you give an ALL ACCESS pass to your goodies....

I nearly just poked an eye out with this thing...and you think, "I'm just not in the mood..." is gonna cut it? Are you crazy!?

Your body is my wonderland, and I literally have season pass tickets.

Now I know what you're thinking.."This is just the man's perspective.", "Just another horny guy being insensitive to the needs (or lack thereof) of women." ...... FALSE.

Think back to previous intimate sessions with your partner. There's a possibility that they weren't totally on board when you were ready to rock, and you didn't even know about it. Accommodations were probably made because your happiness is important to them. So on your honey moon when you kept climbing all over him, over and over and over and over... He might not have been super stoked, but he did it to make you happy!

Men aren't the machines that women are. I like the diesel engine / bottle rocket analogy here... Once warmed up, (most) women can go forever, with little down time between party sessions. Men are more like bottle rockets...

(How perfect is that phallic bottle rocket by the way?)

Get there fast with a big finish, then the party's over! Why do you think male brothels are such a terrible idea?...We're good for hours, or even a whole day before we feel like we might need to party again. Guys need it more often, but girls need it more in succession, and that's where we make the compromise. Unless physically unable to perform, we probably did what we could to make you happy.

There's a lot a man can put up with from a woman, he'll let you talk his ears off about the girls at work or how you're planning to revamp your entire wardrobe. He'll let you nag him till you're blue in the face. He'll let you capriciously spend his money. He'll fend for himself in the kitchen when you tell him you're not cooking tonight, but be the least bit stingy in the bedroom, and I can PROMISE it's not going to go over well. You're truly spinning the roulette wheel about how he's going to deal with it...

The train is coming...You just have to decide if you're going for the ride, or the secretary that's been eyeing him for the last 6 months is going to take your ticket.

Without a doubt, there's always someone else in line who's drooling for your spot, on both sides. So protect your investment! It's sad, but probably the biggest reason men leave or cheat is that they aren't happy in the bedroom; It's your job to remind them why your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

When he comes a' knockin', give him something to brag about. And If you don't feel like it, suck it up...

Metaphorically AND literally...Hah!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Learn How To Fight!

When you're in a relationship with someone, fighting is inevitable. It doesn't matter how hard you try and avoid it, the closer you get to someone, the more there is to fight about...Sorta crappy.

Each person brings their own fighting style into the ring of romance, making the dating game that much more labyrinthine. Let's have a look at our contenders!

The Clam - The clam does just that, clams up! A disagreeable topic presents itself, and an instant fog of awkwardness and un-comfort looms into the room. The clam closes its doors for business and completely shuts down. The conversation is over because they said it is, and you get the silent treatment until they decide they want to open back up and discuss it.

The Scientist - The Scientist needs to be right, no matter the cost. He has no qualms with sharing his opinion, and gets a high from shoving his rightness in your face when it's all said and done. He will literally orbit the solar system interviewing alien life forms to obtain credibility for the point he's trying to prove. Also, try convincing him he's wrong, you'll have quite the battle on your hands. I once heard that you can be right, or you can be happy…the scientist will take his chances with the happy part.

The Hulk - Yup, just what you pictured. RAWWEER! The hulk rages into action at the sign of trouble. He breaks, smashes, and destroys all in his warpath. He says the meanest things he can think of to cut you to the core, even if he doesn't mean them. He punches holes in the wall, throws and breaks things, and smells nothing but blood until he's cooled off. The hulk can be pretty dangerous, and is the most likely of all our contenders to exhibit physical aggression...proceed with caution around a hulkster!

The Volcano - Remember how you left your socks on the floor three weeks ago, then again last Monday, then again tonight? She does…and now it's F&%$'N ON! -- This fight style is one of the most unfair for the person on the other side of the argument, because they're completely blind sided by weeks of complaints that they weren't even aware of...If you notice this fight style, encourage your partner to try and discuss issues with you when they first present themselves, instead of waiting to discuss them while they're holding the sheers with which they plan to remove your head.

The Victim - The Victim is an expert counter-striker. You address her with a concern that you might have, and she flips the script and convinces you it's YOUR fault!

Him: "Honey, I'm a little concerned about the amount of money you spent on that blender..."

Her: "Really? I'm concerned with this dump that you keep me in..
(*cue the tears and the voice that gets higher pitched as the sentence progresses*)
...You always promised we'd have nice things..."

Him: "I love the blender babe, good pick."

The Avenger - This is probably less common, but DOES happen. The Avenger makes secret plots to ruin your life or get what they feel is deserved revenge. Maybe you pee on the toilet seat and never wipe it up, so they gladly clean up after you, with your toothbrush. The good part about The Avenger is that they'll probably never confront you with anything, and you'll think the relationship is going swimmingly, the bad part is that they're making themselves feel better behind your back.

The Pacifist - The Pacifist will always avoid a fight all together. He will admit instant defeat even when he's right, just to avoid making waves. You show your teeth, and he shows you his belly so fast it makes your head spin. While not leaving a room for a ton of pride, sometimes The Pacifist finds himself in the happiest of relationships.

Knowing which fighting style your partner is bringin' to the battle is one step closer to conflict resolution and sunny skies. Also, some of these fighting styles complement one another, and make for smoother sailing in the stormy parts of a relationship.

A hulk and a pacifist could probably grow old together, cause he flips over the second she turns green. But put two hulks in the ring and see if their argument doesn't end up on the next episode of Cops. Or try and get The Scientist and The Clam to work out their issues, he just broke out his encyclopedia to make his point, and she didn't hear a word he said over the ear plugs she just popped in...UGHHH!

No two people are ever going to agree on everything, especially those who share a certain level of attachment, and ESPECIALLY a man and a woman. We just see the world through different lenses. It's part of what makes it all beautiful, we NEED each other.

We all just need to

Both sides almost always have something to be sorry about, a fight takes two people.…And even if you can't think of one thing you did wrong or were wrong about (Scientists), you better make something up quick and apologize right-on back. The chance is high that you weren't 100% right about the situation, so swallow your pride and say you're sorry too -

So that this kinda fight…

Can turn into this kinda fight...

(That's me on the left...)

Hope you brought your mouth pieces.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You Don't Need Any More Friends!

This is a topic that has sort of already been covered by this blog, but I'd like to expound a bit. If you're in a relationship, or have a significant other.....
Guess what?

(of the opposite sex anyway...)

Men and women are never just friends, one is ALWAYS trying to jump the other's bones. Whether that's out in the open or not, it's what's going on...So when out of nowhere you're getting texts from a new "friend", or have a new "friend" on Facebook, it sort of makes you untrustworthy and suspicious. There's no reason you need to be new "friends" with that guy or girl, because one of you has shameful intentions. Every...EVERY...time.

Nine times out of ten, when the relationship is over…Their new "FRIEND" is their new RELATIONSHIP (or booty call).Why the hell are you giving out your phone number anyway? Are you not happy?...Leave then, don't cheat.

(Man, I'm so glad we're friends...)

Prepping for your next relationship while you're still in this one is just as bad as stop kidding yourself.

Your partner is probably great, he or she doesn't want to be the type to tell you who you can and can't be friends with...but you should also do your part to respect them, even when they say it doesn't bother them, because it secretly does - And if it doesn't, you might want to consider how much they really care about losing you. We'll cover that in a future blog.

Don't ever do ANYTHING that makes them question their trust in you. Trust (and LOVE) is literally all you need. With these two things, you and your partner can over come any trial, tackle any obstacle, stay afloat when the goin' gets rough... If you can't trust them, the relationship has an expiration date. Period.

You can't ever stop anyone from cheating. People are gonna do what they're gonna do whether or not you monitor their text messages or stand over them while they Facebook, but feeling like crap all the time is never fun. Choose someone who's going to respect you as much as you respect them.

Get a dog if you want a friend...Or make sure they don't have a penis.

- CleverAlias