"Listen up gentlemen. I am about to lay this out for you. I am extremely tired of hearing you all talk about all the effort you put into dating and how it never nets you any results. You do all the asking, all the chasing, all the work, and still girls just don’t seem to think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. What gives you ask? Perhaps you might want to consider, it’s not me, it’s you.
You might think that you are being super charming, debonair, and enchanting as a Disney prince on a white steed, and cannot figure out for the life of you why girls are not falling all over themselves to be your one and only. Let me go ahead and lay down a few bullets points to show you where you might be subconsciously telling a girl that she needs to pull the rip cord post haste.
- Remember When? - You by now should realize that girls are like court reporters. At the drop of a hat, they can tell you what you said, what she said in return, where you stood, the time of day, and how much gel you had in your hair. So when you ask me for the third time what I do for a living (I catch and train wild snakes, seriously, how can you forget that?) or again suggest we order coconut cream pie (I am allergic, don’t you remember the ambulance last time?), it is telling a girl that you are putting in absolutely no effort.
- You Are Not As Funny As You Think You Are - Remember all those things that your dad would not let you say to your mom? Well don’t say them to me, you jerk. I don’t think it is funny when you tell me my ovaries are headed for the hills, tease I put on my make-up on with a paint brush, or ask me if I just threw up all the food you just bought me. While some guys can do self-deprecation in a charming and fun manner, when you do it to me, I just want to lunge across the table and lodge my fork in your throat.
- Put In Some Effort - A stereotype is a stereotype for a reason. Every TV show from Lucy to Sex In The City shows us obsessing over the perfect outfit, trying to decide which accessories really go with our green eyes, and the hours we have spend in prep for this date between the waxers, girlfriend consults, and our own bathroom. Look at us, this doesn’t just happen by accident. When you show up in your Pikachu, anime, rayon button down and cargo shorts that even Bear Grylls thinks has too many pockets, it tells us you could not care less about this date. Would it really hurt you to at least knock off some of the dirt and put on a little Axe body spray? I mean, those commercials pretty much sum up how we feel about you smelling nice. Meet me half way here.
- Give Me A Hint - I love that you want to be romantic and surprise me with the a date that is so full of unexpected twists that even Dan Brown would be awed at your inventiveness, but could you give me a hint? When you tell me to wear something nice, I am going to show up wearing pantyhose that squeeze tighter than an anaconda, and a shoes that make walking an Olympic sport, so it would be super great if we did not hike 14 miles to get to an outdoor concert where I have to stand in mud for three hours. As much as I would love the four months of physical therapy after my ankle surgery, turns out I have the perfect shoes for this occasion...back home...in my closet.
- Pay for Dinner- I know this is a touchy subject between the sexes, but I am going to go out on a limb here and say, pay the freaking tab! As soon as waiter brings the the bill, you can feel the tension start to mount in the air like Ricky Lake is about to reveal, on air, who the father is. As soon as the bill comes, scoop it up and take care of it. The longer it sits there, the longer I look at you across the table and wonder if you could really defend me in a bar fight or if I am going to have to use my rape whistle to get us out of there. I mean, come now, lets review. You asked me. Once we go out a few times, I am more than happy to go dutch or rotate, but this is your no-brainer chance to do something right. Don’t let it pass you by because you are pissed I ordered $3.99 breadsticks.
- Man Up - At the end of the day, you wussness might be what is pushing me away. Unless they have a crew haircut and still wear Doc Martins, all any girl ever wants is to date a real man. If you are a guy sitting there reading this, and think, that is not true, girls want someone to take them to see Twilight, and trade Babysitter Club books with I want you to look up and see where your girlfriend is at. Exactly. I don’t want to date a doormat, because if you let me, I will walk all over you. I don’t want to date myself (I can barely stand myself), so don’t agree with everything I say because you think it will make me like you. Stand up to me, and I promise you I will respect you.
I hoped my tips will help you navigate those treacherous waters we call dating. Don’t feel bad that someone had to tell you about all the glaring character flaws that make you a horrible dater, just feel glad that you now know what we are all saying about you behind your back. Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery."
Ouch, kinda stuck it to us there....But let's be honest, we don't listen to what girls say, do we?!
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