No Crossing!

Finally...You've finally done it. Your charm has done its job, and that girl you've been chasing for months FINALLY caves and decides to find out just what you're made of...

You give her the infamous "let's watch a movie" code, and she accepts...You know you're in...

Your heart races as she walks though your front door...Is this really about to happen? Am I on Punked? Surely Ashton's got a rope tied around this girl's waist and he's gonna yank her outta' here any second so everyone can laugh at my misfortune...

...You check her waist for an actual rope, one isn't there...You get even more excited.

You make light conversation and pop on the movie. You realize that this girl/guy is more than just a pretty face and you might actually have things to talk about...You're even more excited about their company.

The movie proceeds and you try to decide how long you're going to wait before you make your move. If you jump the gun, you make it look like that's the only reason you invited them over (even though it kinda was)...If you wait too long, you've wasted valuable action time and you end up watching an entire movie and looking like a pansy...

The time seems right, your heart is pounding, and you go for it...You lift her chin slightly and she reciprocates, giving you that first awesome kiss. YES!!

It also turns out she might have just screamed "YES!!" in her head too!...Now things are getting exciting. Not only do you have the ability to exchange endless witty banter via text, you've also got bomb.com physical chemistry....You're in trouble.

This is awesome. Why haven't we been watching movies for MONTHS?! Your excitement level starts to become uncontrollable...Then it happens...

In the heat of the moment, you get over zealous and cross the line...

*SCREEEEEEECH!*

The passion stops instantly and she slams on the breaks harder than Sam Kinison.....

You may have just blown it....Nice job.

Each guy/girl is different here, some get wicked awkward and storm out, others just tell you to take it easy for a minute...In either situation, you look like a total jackass.

If she likes you enough to come over once, chances are, she'll like you enough to come over AGAIN! There will be other nights, so stop living like you're dying...Take it slow and be a gentleman. She'll be back for more...

Slow and steady wins the race.

-CleverAlias

P.S. She/He, Him/Her, Guy/Girl can be used interchangeably here. Girls can totally take it too far sometimes too! Keep it classy, he'll respect you...

You're Psycho.....PERIOD.

It's coming.......It's coming.......It's relentless.......You can't stop it...It's almost here.....Oh, Oh.....

BOOOOM! IT'S WEEK 4 B^*@%!! LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLEEEEE!!!!!

Gear up and get ready; week 4 has arrived, and it's going to be a doozy. Every girl will try and tell you, "You know, I'm not really that bad when I'm on my period..." No, no, you are...trust me. Every single one of you. I've yet to meet a girl who is exempt from this phenomenon. You're a mean, crazy, indecisive, whiney, insecure, emotional wreck.... It's interesting that we only fight one week out of the whole month, and somehow you STILL think this is all my fault!

Listen up ladies, OWN your period. Just own up to it. Say, "Hey, I'm on period...I'm sorry I'm being psychotic." Then BAM, free pass. You can throw a dish, treat me like crap, kick the dog, be unsure about our relationship, or exhibit any other ridiculous impulsive behavior. All you have to say is, "Sorry, it's girl time.", then I'll shoot you a smile, buy a plane ticket, and see you in a week; it will be perfect.

It's always baffled me that girls will INSIST that this is not the reason normal behavior has gone out the window.

Does this situation seem familiar?

*Cue stupid, ridiculous fight/cry session about something totally irrelevant and crazy, which comes COMPLETELY out of nowhere....

Boy: "Whoa, babe, what's going on?...."

Girl: "Nothing, I just hate my life, and I feel like a failure, and I have so much work to do, and this girl at work copied my hair cut, and I'm unsure about our relationship, and this red pen is looking at me the wrong way!!"

Boy: "Honey, you might be being a little sensitive. Is it girl time?"

Girl: "OMG, why is it ALWAYS cause of my period?! I HATE when you say that!! These things are happening! The red pen called me fat! And the girl at work is trying to ruin my life!!"

Boy: ".... Are you?"

Girl: "(Pause).....YES, but so what!?! That's not why I'm mad!"

Boy: *Audible laughter*

Haha...I could be a screen writer. But seriously, shoot me.

There should be a bioluminescent signal that makes the girl glow when it's coming so that you know to

STEER CLEAR.

(RAWWWRRRRR MY PERIODDDDDD!!)

Just comes with the package I suppose; but give us some warning! I'd like a moment to put in my mouth piece before I get into a brawl.

Own up to it

-Clever Alias

READY, Set, Go!

Sometimes we just aren't ready for a serious relationship; sometimes we need to take a hiatus from the opposite sex while we figure our life out. We need to be whole, confident, and READY people before we can fairly take on someone else. What good are we to someone when we're broken and tattered? How can we take care of someone else when we're not even able to take care ourselves? I kinda like the traffic light metaphor here - Let's examine the stages of readiness to see if YOU are ready for a real relationship.

RED - This is the stage where you pretty much HATE the opposite sex. You could care less if every last one of them was run over by a bus. You've just had your heart broken; you're desperately trying to get over someone; just found out you had an STD - Take your pick. The point is, you're all about YOU. You're thinking about you, worrying about you, and concentrating on you. Your life and emotional health are the only things that are important to you right now. Your biggest worry is figuring out how you're going to make it through the next few hours without crying.

Attempting to enter a relationship at this stage is useless, and terribly selfish. It's only fair to be completely honest about where you stand if someone happens to express interest while you're in this stage. Unfortunately, this is the stage where people will probably express the MOST interest in you; it's terribly unfair. But how often have we been completely self absorbed, acting only on impulse and instant gratification, and someone comes along who wants to ride the crazy train? This goes back to our previous posts about men and women liking total selfish douchebags. Anyhow, if you're completely honest about where you stand, and someone still wants to tag along for the ride, it's their bad when you rip their heart out of their chest.

YELLOW - We're starting to feel a little better. The daily pain of our recent loss is becoming less acute; we're starting to be able to concentrate on other things in life. Perhaps we even start finding little joys here and there and can crack a few smiles. We're not totally over it, but the thought of tossing every member of the opposite sex off a building is no longer sounding like the best idea you've ever had. We're ready to hang out with friends, and dip our toes in the water - Maybe we even flirt a little. However, this is a dangerous stage. It's the stage containing the most uncertainty. One minute, you're ready. The next, you're pulling out quicker than .... ..... ... Well, insert your own inappropriate joke here. The point is, you're an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you feel good, and other times you just want to be left alone.

(This ride totally sucks...)

You're like a turtle poking his head in and out of his shell. This is the most confusing time for others who are trying to court you. You're trying to be honest and tell them where you stand, but YOU don't even know where you stand...All you can do is give them a daily update. That's why I say we refrain from attempting any serious relationships at this stage as well. You're still not ready; still not whole. You don't know what you want, so stop tuggin' on people's heart strings with your indecisiveness. Wait until you're really ready to make up your mind and be in the GREEN.

GREEN - You're ready. You've realized that the last idiot that broke your heart was really just the biggest bullet you've ever dodged. They had a kid and a crazy ex, or narcissistic personality disorder, or wasn't even close to challenging you intellectually, or had halitosis, or WHATEVER...The point is, you can see everything you're NOT missing out on - and you can chuckle about it. Also, you're no longer a total selfy-selferson just looking for your next fix of endorphins. Your actions are methodical and planned. The thought of a real relationship doesn't induce vomiting, and the opposite sex is looking mighty fine in that outfit today. You're going on dates and considering the possibilities of communication with that person beyond tonight's booty call.

Most importantly, you feel GOOD. You feel good about life. You're whole. You don't NEED anyone, you just want someone because it's nice. You've got your priorities in order, your head on straight, and you might just be ready to commit to the next hottie who treats you right.

It's important that we don't attempt relationships while we're in the Red and Yellow stages. It's just not fair to other people, and you want to be a good person right? Yea you do. You rock.

Go Green or Go Home

-Clever Alias

Don't be CONSERVATIVE....With your feelings.

What stops us from expressing our feelings? Our nasty, distasteful, nauseating PRIDE. How many times have we wanted to let someone know exactly how we felt, but our pride got in the way and the vulnerability was too much to handle...? No one likes to feel vulnerable, I mean, we have a reputation to uphold. We have to act like things don't bother us, like we don't care; we need to be HARD. Street cred with our homeboys would be shattered if they found out we had a heart, or overheard us telling someone how we really felt, right?...

WRONG, MR. KOOL-AID....So wrong. Just say it! Say what you need to say. If you still care, tell them. If you miss them, tell them. If you're sorry, say so....What's the worst that can happen? Fine, they tell all their friends and maybe you look a little foolish...Who cares? It'll blow over in a week and everyone will forget. The most important part is that you got your feelings off your chest - you took a chance. You don't have to wonder, "What if I just called....What if I just told them exactly how I felt?" Cause you did it....

It can also work in your favor! Be the first to say, "Sorry," they might say sorry back. Be the first to say, "I've missed you," they might tell you they've cried tears over you that you never even knew about... Maybe you'll win them back or resolve differences; or remind them you're not just a bad-boy with a heart of stone.

("I miss you, alright?!")

Or maybe it's time to just call your paramour and tell them exactly how you really feel, maybe you'll finally snag them! Don't be conservative with your feelings, take a chance and don't be afraid to let people know what's on your mind...

"It is better to lose your pride for someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride." -Unknown

-Clever Alias

It's Not Me, It's You!

Everytime we take a stab at the women of the world, they strike right back...I like it! Here's what a special GUEST BLOGGER has to say about MEN making a little bit of effort!

"Listen up gentlemen. I am about to lay this out for you. I am extremely tired of hearing you all talk about all the effort you put into dating and how it never nets you any results. You do all the asking, all the chasing, all the work, and still girls just don’t seem to think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. What gives you ask? Perhaps you might want to consider, it’s not me, it’s you.

You might think that you are being super charming, debonair, and enchanting as a Disney prince on a white steed, and cannot figure out for the life of you why girls are not falling all over themselves to be your one and only. Let me go ahead and lay down a few bullets points to show you where you might be subconsciously telling a girl that she needs to pull the rip cord post haste.

• Remember When? - You by now should realize that girls are like court reporters. At the drop of a hat, they can tell you what you said, what she said in return, where you stood, the time of day, and how much gel you had in your hair. So when you ask me for the third time what I do for a living (I catch and train wild snakes, seriously, how can you forget that?) or again suggest we order coconut cream pie (I am allergic, don’t you remember the ambulance last time?), it is telling a girl that you are putting in absolutely no effort.

• You Are Not As Funny As You Think You Are - Remember all those things that your dad would not let you say to your mom? Well don’t say them to me, you jerk. I don’t think it is funny when you tell me my ovaries are headed for the hills, tease I put on my make-up on with a paint brush, or ask me if I just threw up all the food you just bought me. While some guys can do self-deprecation in a charming and fun manner, when you do it to me, I just want to lunge across the table and lodge my fork in your throat.

• Put In Some Effort - A stereotype is a stereotype for a reason. Every TV show from Lucy to Sex In The City shows us obsessing over the perfect outfit, trying to decide which accessories really go with our green eyes, and the hours we have spend in prep for this date between the waxers, girlfriend consults, and our own bathroom. Look at us, this doesn’t just happen by accident. When you show up in your Pikachu, anime, rayon button down and cargo shorts that even Bear Grylls thinks has too many pockets, it tells us you could not care less about this date. Would it really hurt you to at least knock off some of the dirt and put on a little Axe body spray? I mean, those commercials pretty much sum up how we feel about you smelling nice. Meet me half way here.

• Give Me A Hint - I love that you want to be romantic and surprise me with the a date that is so full of unexpected twists that even Dan Brown would be awed at your inventiveness, but could you give me a hint? When you tell me to wear something nice, I am going to show up wearing pantyhose that squeeze tighter than an anaconda, and a shoes that make walking an Olympic sport, so it would be super great if we did not hike 14 miles to get to an outdoor concert where I have to stand in mud for three hours. As much as I would love the four months of physical therapy after my ankle surgery, turns out I have the perfect shoes for this occasion...back home...in my closet.

• Pay for Dinner- I know this is a touchy subject between the sexes, but I am going to go out on a limb here and say, pay the freaking tab! As soon as waiter brings the the bill, you can feel the tension start to mount in the air like Ricky Lake is about to reveal, on air, who the father is. As soon as the bill comes, scoop it up and take care of it. The longer it sits there, the longer I look at you across the table and wonder if you could really defend me in a bar fight or if I am going to have to use my rape whistle to get us out of there. I mean, come now, lets review. You asked me. Once we go out a few times, I am more than happy to go dutch or rotate, but this is your no-brainer chance to do something right. Don’t let it pass you by because you are pissed I ordered $3.99 breadsticks.

• Man Up - At the end of the day, you wussness might be what is pushing me away. Unless they have a crew haircut and still wear Doc Martins, all any girl ever wants is to date a real man. If you are a guy sitting there reading this, and think, that is not true, girls want someone to take them to see Twilight, and trade Babysitter Club books with I want you to look up and see where your girlfriend is at. Exactly. I don’t want to date a doormat, because if you let me, I will walk all over you. I don’t want to date myself (I can barely stand myself), so don’t agree with everything I say because you think it will make me like you. Stand up to me, and I promise you I will respect you.

I hoped my tips will help you navigate those treacherous waters we call dating. Don’t feel bad that someone had to tell you about all the glaring character flaws that make you a horrible dater, just feel glad that you now know what we are all saying about you behind your back. Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery."

Ouch, kinda stuck it to us there....But let's be honest, we don't listen to what girls say, do we?!

(Blah, blah, blah....Naggg Naggg)

-Clever Alias

Make An Effort!

I think the definition of a harmonious relationship is when two people meet each other who are both willing to put forth EQUAL amounts of effort (at all stages). Too often it's a one sided scenario - One person is always engaging, asking questions, trying to get to know you, thinking of fun things to do, trying to be closer - and the other is just along for the ride.

(Sure, I'd love to lug you through this relationship...)

There are a lot of ways you can show effort and make the other person feel like you care. For starters, respond and give attention to your texts messages. A one or two word response, or closed ended response two hours later makes it kind of a one sided deal - (Also, it either means you're just not really that interested, or you're stupid and don't know how to communicate with the written word - Neither are good) You're expecting the other person to do all the work and being lazy! They should be talking WITH you, not AT you...

Even if you're busy, letting someone know that you'd like to chat later goes a long way.

It's rough when experience has taught us that the less effort we put into it, the more the other person will like us; but why do we have to be jerks just so you'll pay attention? Why does the fact that we've ignored our text message for a few hours make us more desirable? It should be the other way around; the lighting speed at which I respond to you should make me that much more appealing. Look at how fast my fingers move!!

(I texted too fast...)

Tired of the game

-Clever Alias

Shopping For What You Can't Afford...

Sometimes people just aren't into you, it's an upsetting part of life; but maybe it was YOUR fault for even trying in the first place! This is what I like to call "Shopping for what you can't afford"...

Physical beauty isn't everything, and looks don't have to be number one on the list of importance when choosing a partner - but let's get real for a second. If you spend the majority of your day playing World of Warcraft eating Cheetos, and she looks like she just walked off the cover of this month's Abercrombie catalog...you might be shopping at the wrong store. Conversely, if he's headed off to the gym every night while you sit and watch "Sex and the City" re-runs eating ice cream, it might be time to re-evaluate exactly who you're chasing. It sounds cold, but looks are important - play the cards you've been dealt and you might be on your way to a happy relationship.

To add to that, what are the chances you've got tons of things in common with someone who's WAY bigger or smaller than you anyway? Your entire lifestyle is contradictory - eating habits, leisure time, fitness, motivations -- everything really ... (Thanks, Dr. L)

Moving on - What about moral and spiritual beauty? Some people are just ugly on the inside. It reminds me of the movie "Alien". She comes into your life and looks like the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, then BLAHHHHHHH!!, the disgusting alien bursts out of her chest and you're covered in goo!

(Yuck...)

Gross metaphors aside, inner beauty and acts of moral turpitude are important when determining whether or not someone can afford you, or if you've got the bank roll to purchase someone else. If you're getting smashed and strip dancing in seedy bars downtown while he's out feeding homeless people and saving trees - you might want to check the price tag one more time... This example is extreme, but it holds true for the little things too...You should BE the type of person that you want to be WITH!

(Kinda like the "Golden Rule")

Of course there are always exceptions, and sometimes people downgrade and buy rusted jewelry thinking they can polish it up - but they hardly ever succeed. We secretly laugh at and feel sorry for the ones who forget what they're worth, and trade their Mustang for a Geo Metro...

Anyhow, you might not like the price tag, but it's staring you in the face. Suck it up, and shop where you can afford it - You might just find something on the sale rack that you actually like!

Stop maxing out your card

-Clever Alias