Learn How To Fight!

When you're in a relationship with someone, fighting is inevitable. It doesn't matter how hard you try and avoid it, the closer you get to someone, the more there is to fight about...Sorta crappy.

Each person brings their own fighting style into the ring of romance, making the dating game that much more labyrinthine. Let's have a look at our contenders!

The Clam - The clam does just that, clams up! A disagreeable topic presents itself, and an instant fog of awkwardness and un-comfort looms into the room. The clam closes its doors for business and completely shuts down. The conversation is over because they said it is, and you get the silent treatment until they decide they want to open back up and discuss it.

The Scientist - The Scientist needs to be right, no matter the cost. He has no qualms with sharing his opinion, and gets a high from shoving his rightness in your face when it's all said and done. He will literally orbit the solar system interviewing alien life forms to obtain credibility for the point he's trying to prove. Also, try convincing him he's wrong, you'll have quite the battle on your hands. I once heard that you can be right, or you can be happy…the scientist will take his chances with the happy part.

The Hulk - Yup, just what you pictured. RAWWEER! The hulk rages into action at the sign of trouble. He breaks, smashes, and destroys all in his warpath. He says the meanest things he can think of to cut you to the core, even if he doesn't mean them. He punches holes in the wall, throws and breaks things, and smells nothing but blood until he's cooled off. The hulk can be pretty dangerous, and is the most likely of all our contenders to exhibit physical aggression...proceed with caution around a hulkster!

The Volcano - Remember how you left your socks on the floor three weeks ago, then again last Monday, then again tonight? She does…and now it's F&%$'N ON! -- This fight style is one of the most unfair for the person on the other side of the argument, because they're completely blind sided by weeks of complaints that they weren't even aware of...If you notice this fight style, encourage your partner to try and discuss issues with you when they first present themselves, instead of waiting to discuss them while they're holding the sheers with which they plan to remove your head.

The Victim - The Victim is an expert counter-striker. You address her with a concern that you might have, and she flips the script and convinces you it's YOUR fault!

Him: "Honey, I'm a little concerned about the amount of money you spent on that blender..."

Her: "Really? I'm concerned with this dump that you keep me in..

(*cue the tears and the voice that gets higher pitched as the sentence progresses*)

...You always promised we'd have nice things..."

Him: "I love the blender babe, good pick."

The Avenger - This is probably less common, but DOES happen. The Avenger makes secret plots to ruin your life or get what they feel is deserved revenge. Maybe you pee on the toilet seat and never wipe it up, so they gladly clean up after you, with your toothbrush. The good part about The Avenger is that they'll probably never confront you with anything, and you'll think the relationship is going swimmingly, the bad part is that they're making themselves feel better behind your back.

The Pacifist - The Pacifist will always avoid a fight all together. He will admit instant defeat even when he's right, just to avoid making waves. You show your teeth, and he shows you his belly so fast it makes your head spin. While not leaving a room for a ton of pride, sometimes The Pacifist finds himself in the happiest of relationships.

Knowing which fighting style your partner is bringin' to the battle is one step closer to conflict resolution and sunny skies. Also, some of these fighting styles complement one another, and make for smoother sailing in the stormy parts of a relationship.

A hulk and a pacifist could probably grow old together, cause he flips over the second she turns green. But put two hulks in the ring and see if their argument doesn't end up on the next episode of Cops. Or try and get The Scientist and The Clam to work out their issues, he just broke out his encyclopedia to make his point, and she didn't hear a word he said over the ear plugs she just popped in...UGHHH!

No two people are ever going to agree on everything, especially those who share a certain level of attachment, and ESPECIALLY a man and a woman. We just see the world through different lenses. It's part of what makes it all beautiful, we NEED each other.

We all just need to

LEARN TO APOLOGIZE!

Both sides almost always have something to be sorry about, a fight takes two people.…And even if you can't think of one thing you did wrong or were wrong about (Scientists), you better make something up quick and apologize right-on back. The chance is high that you weren't 100% right about the situation, so swallow your pride and say you're sorry too -

So that this kinda fight…

Can turn into this kinda fight...

(That's me on the left...)

Hope you brought your mouth pieces.

-CleverAlias

You Don't Need Any More Friends!

This is a topic that has sort of already been covered by this blog, but I'd like to expound a bit. If you're in a relationship, or have a significant other.....

Guess what?

YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE FRIENDS!

(of the opposite sex anyway...)

Men and women are never just friends, one is ALWAYS trying to jump the other's bones. Whether that's out in the open or not, it's what's going on...So when out of nowhere you're getting texts from a new "friend", or have a new "friend" on Facebook, it sort of makes you untrustworthy and suspicious. There's no reason you need to be new "friends" with that guy or girl, because one of you has shameful intentions. Every...EVERY...time.

Nine times out of ten, when the relationship is over…Their new "FRIEND" is their new RELATIONSHIP (or booty call).Why the hell are you giving out your phone number anyway? Are you not happy?...Leave then, don't cheat.

(Man, I'm so glad we're friends...)

Prepping for your next relationship while you're still in this one is just as bad as cheating...so stop kidding yourself.

Your partner is probably great, he or she doesn't want to be the type to tell you who you can and can't be friends with...but you should also do your part to respect them, even when they say it doesn't bother them, because it secretly does - And if it doesn't, you might want to consider how much they really care about losing you. We'll cover that in a future blog.

Don't ever do ANYTHING that makes them question their trust in you. Trust (and LOVE) is literally all you need. With these two things, you and your partner can over come any trial, tackle any obstacle, stay afloat when the goin' gets rough... If you can't trust them, the relationship has an expiration date. Period.

You can't ever stop anyone from cheating. People are gonna do what they're gonna do whether or not you monitor their text messages or stand over them while they Facebook, but feeling like crap all the time is never fun. Choose someone who's going to respect you as much as you respect them.

Get a dog if you want a friend...Or make sure they don't have a penis.

- CleverAlias

Co-ping Is Not A City In China

One minute things are going fine, then BAM.... you get the boot. Being broken up with suuuuucks. You probably should have seen it coming, and even if you did, it hurts just the same when it's really over. They might tell you they're sad too, and they probably are, but it's ALWAYS worse for the person who got the can...Always.

As a guy whose been broken up with a lot... (I should probably examine that for some consistencies...) I've developed quite a list of great strategies to start to feel better and cope with my loss...Maybe they can help you too!

Exercise - This is a personal favorite. I'm never in better shape than when I'm completey heart broken. There's nothing like a heart shattering breakup to put you back in the best shape of your life. Not only is it a physiological certainty that cardiovascular excercise will release endorphins that will make you feel good, but it also ups your stock for all the new tail you're chasing. Which leads us to our next strategy...

Be a total whore - Ok, not a TOTAL whore... Always pregnancies and STDs to worry about, but start planting those seeds, people! Ever hear that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? Every popular saying has its place in the circle of life. Just keep your dirt on the DL, and you never know, one of those seeds could grow into your next plant!

Occupy your mind - I sort of wanted to avoid this as a category, since technically you could fit everything here.. But this includes books, video games, your dog, an instrument, television, a vacation, a new hobby, anything that takes your mind off the one you've lost. Drown yourself in your work, or school studies. There's not a semester that's gone by where I've been heart broken that hasn't been followed by straight A's.

Reconnect - Reconnecting with friends is a great way to start feeling better quickly. It occupies your mind, and refills all of the time you used to spend with your significant other. When you start dating someone, you start spending an inordinate amount of time with them- to the point where you almost can't remember what you used to do before they were in your life... You used to have friends dummy! Good friends will understand why they got ditched in the first place, and will be there to pick up the pieces when you need them.

Service - A great way to forget about your own problems is to worry about someone elses. Volunteer at the Red Cross or an animal shelter... You're worried about your ex? This dude's HOUSE just burned down!

Cut all ties - This is usually where everyone fails miserably. They never completely let go, or let the breaking up process last for MONTHS! Just cut the chord. Every time you respond to a text, read an email, or answer a call, the wound opens back up. Hope re-enters, you get back together for five minutes then break up again... Just end it! The sooner you're done for good, the sooner you can start feeling better. And if you're the breaker-upper, stop being selfish and let them get better... you left them, remember?

("Hello? Yep, still miss you so bad I want to die....Thanks for checking.")

Stop worrying about what they're doing, or leaving your phone unattended for hours in hopes that you'll return to a text from them. Stop checking their Facebook. Stop wishing they would call, and stop wasting your time thinking about them...You're not doing yourself any favors. It's not like they're not sitting around moping about you...They're probably out on a date with someone else right now.

Ceremonies - Some might think this is immature, but closure is effective. Delete their phone number if you have to, remove them from journal entries, burn pictures, destroy old gifts, pee on the shirt they left at your house... Whatever ceremonial function you think is going to help you feel better, probably will!

Unfortunately, sometimes people look in the wrong places for happiness. Always avoid drugs, alcohol, Sara Mclachlan, and sharp objects. There are definitely healthy ways to deal with your issues.

And remember, even if you don't employ any of these tactics, the most effective of all will occur naturally... Time.

Time always makes everything better. Just gotta hang in there.

Cope <3

-Clever Alias

The One

This is your chance. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you walk away and go back to your life of roguish and destructive relationship tendencies. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and find out just how far down the rabbit hole this relationship goes.

Because that's what meeting her is like, it's like taking the red pill and waking up from a nightmare. A nightmare of uncertainty, tension, drama, heart ache, and terrible physical chemistry.

She's, "The One".

"The One" makes you feel secure. Not only does she stroke your ever important and regrettably large ego, she also makes sure you know exactly how she feels about you. There aren't any games - You aren't on edge worrying about how she feels, because you can already tell how she feels....and she tells you.

"The One" makes you forget ALL about previous heartbreak, because when you're with her, nothing else matters. She's great - you couldn't ask for, or need anything else. Her company alone is enough to forget that other women even exist.

"The One" has the power to drown out any other options you might have in your life. Other girls you might have liked, or liked you, totally pale in comparison. They slowly become background noise - until you turn them off completely so that you can give your full attention where it starts to matter the most.

"The One" seems perfect in almost every way. Your infatuation blinds you to any and all of their flaws...Nothing they could tell you about their past would make you judge them or hold them in a negative light. You completely accept them for who they are, or want to be.

"The One" makes you consider marriage or a serious relationship, in spite of your vows to live a fast life full of solitude, women, video games, and your dog. You almost can't believe it when the thought of moving in together, or of what you might name your first child crosses your mind. WTF? Have I gone soft?! Yes....Yes, you have.

You don't play the stupid games you used to play with all of the other girls, because you actually care about this one's feelings. In fact, hurting this one would go against everything you stand for as a man. You're supposed to protect and care for women, especially this one if you're going to call her yours.

You jump to her immediate defense when you feel she's in harms way. You're in your right mind to snatch the phone out of her hands and tell the ex that keeps calling with an attitude that you'll gladly remove his tongue if he's not careful...

And even if you're a generally negative person, you don't ever show signs of distress or negativity around her. You want to be strong for her. She should feel like she's able to cast all of her burdens on you, without worry that you can't handle it with all of the other things you've got going on in your life. You want to always be her anchor. If something is wrong, you cry by yourself in the other room - If she can't lean on you, who can she lean on?

"The One", unfortunately, also possesses the extraordinary power to hurt you...It's just the risk you run when you think you've found someone special and you let them in...

I once heard that every pot has a lid. Go find the lid that makes you feel this way. Never settle.

Find "The One"

-Clever Alias

P.S. Obviously the male perspective here...The blog is written by a man, get over it.

No Crossing!

Finally...You've finally done it. Your charm has done its job, and that girl you've been chasing for months FINALLY caves and decides to find out just what you're made of...

You give her the infamous "let's watch a movie" code, and she accepts...You know you're in...

Your heart races as she walks though your front door...Is this really about to happen? Am I on Punked? Surely Ashton's got a rope tied around this girl's waist and he's gonna yank her outta' here any second so everyone can laugh at my misfortune...

...You check her waist for an actual rope, one isn't there...You get even more excited.

You make light conversation and pop on the movie. You realize that this girl/guy is more than just a pretty face and you might actually have things to talk about...You're even more excited about their company.

The movie proceeds and you try to decide how long you're going to wait before you make your move. If you jump the gun, you make it look like that's the only reason you invited them over (even though it kinda was)...If you wait too long, you've wasted valuable action time and you end up watching an entire movie and looking like a pansy...

The time seems right, your heart is pounding, and you go for it...You lift her chin slightly and she reciprocates, giving you that first awesome kiss. YES!!

It also turns out she might have just screamed "YES!!" in her head too!...Now things are getting exciting. Not only do you have the ability to exchange endless witty banter via text, you've also got bomb.com physical chemistry....You're in trouble.

This is awesome. Why haven't we been watching movies for MONTHS?! Your excitement level starts to become uncontrollable...Then it happens...

In the heat of the moment, you get over zealous and cross the line...

*SCREEEEEEECH!*

The passion stops instantly and she slams on the breaks harder than Sam Kinison.....

You may have just blown it....Nice job.

Each guy/girl is different here, some get wicked awkward and storm out, others just tell you to take it easy for a minute...In either situation, you look like a total jackass.

If she likes you enough to come over once, chances are, she'll like you enough to come over AGAIN! There will be other nights, so stop living like you're dying...Take it slow and be a gentleman. She'll be back for more...

Slow and steady wins the race.

-CleverAlias

P.S. She/He, Him/Her, Guy/Girl can be used interchangeably here. Girls can totally take it too far sometimes too! Keep it classy, he'll respect you...

You're Psycho.....PERIOD.

It's coming.......It's coming.......It's relentless.......You can't stop it...It's almost here.....Oh, Oh.....

BOOOOM! IT'S WEEK 4 B^*@%!! LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLEEEEE!!!!!

Gear up and get ready; week 4 has arrived, and it's going to be a doozy. Every girl will try and tell you, "You know, I'm not really that bad when I'm on my period..." No, no, you are...trust me. Every single one of you. I've yet to meet a girl who is exempt from this phenomenon. You're a mean, crazy, indecisive, whiney, insecure, emotional wreck.... It's interesting that we only fight one week out of the whole month, and somehow you STILL think this is all my fault!

Listen up ladies, OWN your period. Just own up to it. Say, "Hey, I'm on period...I'm sorry I'm being psychotic." Then BAM, free pass. You can throw a dish, treat me like crap, kick the dog, be unsure about our relationship, or exhibit any other ridiculous impulsive behavior. All you have to say is, "Sorry, it's girl time.", then I'll shoot you a smile, buy a plane ticket, and see you in a week; it will be perfect.

It's always baffled me that girls will INSIST that this is not the reason normal behavior has gone out the window.

Does this situation seem familiar?

*Cue stupid, ridiculous fight/cry session about something totally irrelevant and crazy, which comes COMPLETELY out of nowhere....

Boy: "Whoa, babe, what's going on?...."

Girl: "Nothing, I just hate my life, and I feel like a failure, and I have so much work to do, and this girl at work copied my hair cut, and I'm unsure about our relationship, and this red pen is looking at me the wrong way!!"

Boy: "Honey, you might be being a little sensitive. Is it girl time?"

Girl: "OMG, why is it ALWAYS cause of my period?! I HATE when you say that!! These things are happening! The red pen called me fat! And the girl at work is trying to ruin my life!!"

Boy: ".... Are you?"

Girl: "(Pause).....YES, but so what!?! That's not why I'm mad!"

Boy: *Audible laughter*

Haha...I could be a screen writer. But seriously, shoot me.

There should be a bioluminescent signal that makes the girl glow when it's coming so that you know to

STEER CLEAR.

(RAWWWRRRRR MY PERIODDDDDD!!)

Just comes with the package I suppose; but give us some warning! I'd like a moment to put in my mouth piece before I get into a brawl.

Own up to it

-Clever Alias

READY, Set, Go!

Sometimes we just aren't ready for a serious relationship; sometimes we need to take a hiatus from the opposite sex while we figure our life out. We need to be whole, confident, and READY people before we can fairly take on someone else. What good are we to someone when we're broken and tattered? How can we take care of someone else when we're not even able to take care ourselves? I kinda like the traffic light metaphor here - Let's examine the stages of readiness to see if YOU are ready for a real relationship.

RED - This is the stage where you pretty much HATE the opposite sex. You could care less if every last one of them was run over by a bus. You've just had your heart broken; you're desperately trying to get over someone; just found out you had an STD - Take your pick. The point is, you're all about YOU. You're thinking about you, worrying about you, and concentrating on you. Your life and emotional health are the only things that are important to you right now. Your biggest worry is figuring out how you're going to make it through the next few hours without crying.

Attempting to enter a relationship at this stage is useless, and terribly selfish. It's only fair to be completely honest about where you stand if someone happens to express interest while you're in this stage. Unfortunately, this is the stage where people will probably express the MOST interest in you; it's terribly unfair. But how often have we been completely self absorbed, acting only on impulse and instant gratification, and someone comes along who wants to ride the crazy train? This goes back to our previous posts about men and women liking total selfish douchebags. Anyhow, if you're completely honest about where you stand, and someone still wants to tag along for the ride, it's their bad when you rip their heart out of their chest.

YELLOW - We're starting to feel a little better. The daily pain of our recent loss is becoming less acute; we're starting to be able to concentrate on other things in life. Perhaps we even start finding little joys here and there and can crack a few smiles. We're not totally over it, but the thought of tossing every member of the opposite sex off a building is no longer sounding like the best idea you've ever had. We're ready to hang out with friends, and dip our toes in the water - Maybe we even flirt a little. However, this is a dangerous stage. It's the stage containing the most uncertainty. One minute, you're ready. The next, you're pulling out quicker than .... ..... ... Well, insert your own inappropriate joke here. The point is, you're an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you feel good, and other times you just want to be left alone.

(This ride totally sucks...)

You're like a turtle poking his head in and out of his shell. This is the most confusing time for others who are trying to court you. You're trying to be honest and tell them where you stand, but YOU don't even know where you stand...All you can do is give them a daily update. That's why I say we refrain from attempting any serious relationships at this stage as well. You're still not ready; still not whole. You don't know what you want, so stop tuggin' on people's heart strings with your indecisiveness. Wait until you're really ready to make up your mind and be in the GREEN.

GREEN - You're ready. You've realized that the last idiot that broke your heart was really just the biggest bullet you've ever dodged. They had a kid and a crazy ex, or narcissistic personality disorder, or wasn't even close to challenging you intellectually, or had halitosis, or WHATEVER...The point is, you can see everything you're NOT missing out on - and you can chuckle about it. Also, you're no longer a total selfy-selferson just looking for your next fix of endorphins. Your actions are methodical and planned. The thought of a real relationship doesn't induce vomiting, and the opposite sex is looking mighty fine in that outfit today. You're going on dates and considering the possibilities of communication with that person beyond tonight's booty call.

Most importantly, you feel GOOD. You feel good about life. You're whole. You don't NEED anyone, you just want someone because it's nice. You've got your priorities in order, your head on straight, and you might just be ready to commit to the next hottie who treats you right.

It's important that we don't attempt relationships while we're in the Red and Yellow stages. It's just not fair to other people, and you want to be a good person right? Yea you do. You rock.

Go Green or Go Home

-Clever Alias