No Kissing!

So, you've recently been placed back on the market. You've still got plenty of goodies left to offer, your stock is high, and your target market is doing well to remind you that you don't need to close your doors for business just yet. But how soon is too soon?...

Do you wait to start smoochin' to show how upset you are about losing the last one? Does it matter how long they're waiting, or if they're partyin' like a rock star? Do you smooch sooner because you're certain they're already talking to other dudes? Does the length of time you wait to start a new relationship serve as an expression of how much you cared about your last relationship?

Everyone has their ideal answers to these questions, but for starters, you don't want everyone thinking you're a mini version of "The Situation" who's just trying to set the record for how many trashy girls you can hook up with in a life time - The next one should be just as worthy as the last.

But here's the real test - What if no one would know? You're placed in a situation and you have the chance to hook up with a total hottie. Do you sound the victory bell and raise your flag of manliness for all to see?!

Survey Says.....(Drumroll Please....)

NO! Cause you're a total pansy who for some reason still feels accountable to your last relationship.

You'll grow them back someday...

-Clever Alias

Color Coded Soul Mates

Why are break ups so hard? It feels like there's an elephant standing on your chest!

(Ok, it's not his chest, but you can feel it here too...)

In the end, you start thinking about the beginning. You look at old photos of good times and tears well up, you get that throat closed up feeling... Things were so great! We were having so much fun! What happened?! Where did I go wrong?! What did I do?!

The answers to these questions are irrelevant - the fact is, it's over, and you just have to do your best to pull up the big boy huggies and look for happiness in another place.

Part of the reason it hurts so much is because you can't see into the future. You can't see that next great person waiting for you or the great things in your life to come. You're stuck in the past, worrying about the one you lost meeting someone else and being happy. Worrying whether or not they're still thinking about you. Worrying that this feeling is going to be forever...but you CAN'T let your happiness be dependent on what they're doing, you have to create your OWN happiness - completely independent of their actions.

Wouldn't color coded soul mates be so much easier? It would be uncomplicated and absolute - You'd walk into a crowded area, each person would have a colored aura around them; then you'd simply find the one that has the same color as you! Voila! Eternal happiness in seconds! It's too bad things aren't that easy...

A friend of mine took the time to consider my proposal. She noted that there would still be complications. "There are just too many variations of a certain color in the hue," she says. Even if you found that charming, periwinkle stud muffin, it would be likely that his shade of periwinkle wouldn't quite match yours - you just wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Crappy huh?

(Ahhhhh, that's more like it...)

But we must not be afraid. We have to love like we've never been hurt - If we walk around guarded and closed off, we'll NEVER be happy. All we can do is get back on the horse and hope that the next person we hand our heart to takes good care of it!

Hang in there!

-Clever Alias

If They Say, Why, Why? Tell 'em That Is Human Nature...

Ever heard anyone say, "Chicks dig A-holes"? Or, "Treat a girl like dirt, and she'll stick to you like glue"? Or "Nice guys finish last"? Or......You get the point.

These sayings weren't just made up for no reason by bitter nerds around the world. They hold water, and are validated every time a nice girl tries to start a relationship with one of the douchebags from Jersey Shore.

(He calls himself "The Situation" - Are you Fing kidding me?)

I have two theories here as to why women act like this - They are as follows:

1) You ALWAYS want what you don't/can't have - If you have blonde hair, you wish you were a brunette. If you're short and pale...(*ahem*), you wish you were tall and dark. If your hair is curly, you wish it was straight, etc. SO, if smokin' hot Jersey Shore guy is off the market, or isn't interested in a relationship, or wants to play 'hit it and quit it'...You want him that much more, because he's made himself unavailable, and you can't have him. Which leads us to reason number two...

2) The thrill of the hunt - Chasing a guy who doesn't want you is FUN, right?! You're unsure, you don't know if he really likes you, he's kinda talking to other girls, but no big deal! You can change him, you can make him like you! You're waiting for him to call or text, you're unsure of his every action...He's SO mysterious!

It's o.k. ladies, don't beat yourself up and refer to the title, it's just HUMAN NATURE! We want what we can't have, and don't appreciate things that come easy. We want to have to work for it! This attitude good in all situations besides relationships. Which is why the nice guy who lets you know he likes you, doesn't make you chase him, does nice things for you, "finishes last". He was boring, and easy, it's much more fun to chase the Jersey Shore douche who's just trying to sleep with you.

It is for these reasons you need to act like a JERK to keep a girl interested. The power in every relationship lies with the person who cares the least. Sad huh? If she knows she has you, it's no fun anymore. Women will deny this until they're blue in the face and claim that they just want a 'nice guy', but remember, these sayings didn't come out of nowhere, they're validated every day by their ACTIONS and relentless pursuit of total tool-bag guys who don't care about them.

I challenge you to think back to the relationships where you tried the hardest, or cared the most - They were jerks who weren't even trying weren't they? You were probably embarrassed to tell your friends about them weren't you?

Here's a pretty good representation of the cycle - Thank you PostSecret

(Edited to keep our pg-13 rating of course)

So, the next time you find yourself dating the risky, thrill-seeking, mystery Jersey Shore douche who's talking to 30 other girls along with you, don't even think about calling the nice guy you messed things up with - he'll be too busy getting treated like crap by another girl.

Happy Hunting!

- Clever Alias