I Saw the Sign...

Not sure how you were ever interested in that jerk? Pretty girl treat you like crap and break your heart?

Half of all relationship woes could be resolved and avoided by a simple screening process. This mini-list of red flags will serve you well to dodge relationship sorrow and pain. Following are some telltale signs of a douchebag which should send you running for the hills.

The Male Douche

The Flat Billed Hat - This form of douchery is evident immediately. If the guy you're interested in is almost ALWAYS wearing a flat or straight billed hat, he most likely thinks he's "too cool for school" and is a total douche.

Bandanas - Unless serving their intended purpose of A) keeping dust and debris out of the guy's throat, nose, and mouth, B) protecting his head from a harsh helmet or the sun, or C) to keep his neck cool on a hot day, his wearing of a bandana is another "too cool for school" move, and equals doucheness.

Affliction TShirts - An over abundance of skin tight "Affliction" TShirts that the guy goes clubbing in, when the pansy doesn't even train in MMA, is a good douche indicator.

The Word "Bro" - Excessive use of the word "bro" at the beginning or end of every sentence - "Bro! That was so tight!", "Aw Bro!", "Bro, you should have seen the hunnies there last night!"........"Hey bro! You're a douche!"

Snoop Wannabe - The occasional joke might be appropriate, but any serious use of the Snoop Dog language where every word ends in izzle, heezy, or hizzy, makes him a douchebag - for shizzle...

The Bragger - Any guy who brags about how many girls he can/has hooked up with fits into the douche category. Yea, yea, we get it dude... You're super cool and we're all impressed.

The Player - the guy who is talking to a million girls at once and "doesn't want to commit", but makes sure to keep stringing you along to keep you available as an option. He makes sure to send the occasional booty call as well - Why waste your time being another chick on his list? He's a douche...

But wait, there's more...

Men aren't the only douche bags out there - there are PLENTY of girls who fit into this category, just in their own fashion. Guys - be wary of these girls, they'll chew you up and spit you out. Here are some red flags:

The Lady Douche

The Barbie Doll - Barbie doll chicks are NOT hot, and are the female form of the "too cool for school" guy douche. Big fake boobs, spray on tans, caked on make-up, and big enough sun glasses to fit Jeff Goldblum as "The Fly" are pretty good indicators of the the Barbie Doll douche.

Side note: Girls like this have major confidence, image, and psychological issues anyway, better to steer clear...

The ME Monster - This one takes a little longer to screen for, but you should start to worry if the girl you're interested in is displaying signs of COMPLETE selfishness. Their life is more important than yours, for any and every reason. It's all about THEM, all the time. She's on HER path, and HER time, and you can either hop on, or get the hell out of the way. You guys always do what she wants to do. You're always taking care of her obligations and problems, and she rarely helps you with yours. She makes plans without even telling you, and has little regard for how you'll feel about it. Important things in your life are unimportant to her. If it's not fun, she's not kickin' it; and if her girlfriends call her, you can kiss your weekend plans goodbye. Be on the lookout for the ME monster...

The Player - Yep, girls do it too - girls will talk and flirt with a million guys at once and tell you they "don't want to commit", OR swear up and down that they're not flirting! - keep a close eye on the cell phone here..If a bunch of different dudes are blowing up her phone at all hours of the night, it's not because she hardly talks to them or they have nothing to go off of - She's giving them signals when you're not around...

The Leader On-er - This is the girl who leads guys who legitimately like them on just for fun. She'll claim that she's "just trying to be nice", or doesn't know that she's doing it, or she "feels bad", but really she gets a sick pleasure out of the attention. She doesn't feel bad, she's having fun...If you're starting to feel led on, chances are, you're being led on. Cut ties immediately and save yourself some pride.

The Gold Digger - If one of the requirements to date you is that you have money, or she makes you feel bad about not having more of it, she's not worth your time. As long as you're trying to make something of yourself, she should be supportive - not kicking you while you're down

(Ahhhhh....Nice and Simple)

These douchebags deserve EACH OTHER, but it seems as though they rarely find one another. Instead, they prey on the good guys and girls who deserve GOOD relationships. Life is funny that way...

Be on the lookout for the signs and all will be well!

- Clever Alias